Letting Go
by Venus Tenshi
Summary: Zelos thinks about how he and the rest of the group are dealing with a certain person leaving on Derris Kharlan. "OneShot" "ZelosLloyd-brotherly"


Starting writing this when I got back from school. Then I fell asleep. Then I wrote s'more. It's noooooow ... 8PM D: Not to mention I cut a load of it due to sheer suckiness of rapid-writing.

I just knew this would be out of my head at any other point, so here's a short fic of Zelos' POV. I'm tired, and I'm about to fall asleep again ... so R&R pretty please

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**Letting Go**

Not a word.

Not a warning.

Not a goodbye.

Nothing.

Even if we had wanted to, really wanted to, we probably wouldn't have been able to stop you.

It's ... been a week. Probably two, I'm not quite so sure anymore. Everyone seems to have lost track of time without you. Their minds seem to have gone with you to wherever you are. It's like you were the only thing holding us all together as a group, and now you're gone ... we're slowly drifting apart. I've tried – I've tried so many times to talk to someone: Regal, Raine, Colette – anyone. I guess I'm lucky if I get even a nod in return, but I can't really blame them. I've seen Genis look at me with utter disgust when I smile, probably wondering why I can still be happy.

Look man, it's not that I'm happy you're gone. Really. It's just my way of coping with things.

Then again, you'd probably just smile too and shrug it off. You were far too understanding for your own good, sometimes. I always thought it'd be the death of you. You'd always just ... smile and shake it off. Let it fly over your head. Every stupid thing I did, you forgave me for it. I could search the two worl- well, one world now – up and down, and I'd never find someone like you; someone who'd just let me in and look past my stupid attitude. Accept that it's a part of me.

I'd search, but I'm done searching. You probably wouldn't like it if I replaced you, anyway. I wouldn't be able to – you're a one of a kind kid. That should make me miss you the most, shouldn't it?

Nah. The little ones are literally dying without you.

Genis stopped eating. That's really worrying Raine. I don't think she's noticed that he's barely sleeping anymore. Colette is pretty much the same – it's like she's an angel all over again. The two of them can't even smile anymore. Shame, I always thought Colette was cute when she smiled. Now you've gone, I'll probably never get to see it again. She's a strong kid, but I don't think she was prepared for this. Hell, none of us where. You just ... _left_.

If you had decided to leave, we had all honestly expected a ... note, a message, anything informative. You could have sent Noishe back to us and made him whine constantly – that probably would have worked. But no.

We all knew you needed time alone with your 'father'. It _still_ irks me to call him that, due to the fact that he's a giant son of a bitch. No disrespect man, but he sucks as a parent. He's not worthy to have a son like you. That could be me being extremely biased, but I don't care – I'm not the only one who thinks like that. Raine, Regal – they still think he was a little ... y'know. He was never really parent material, from what I could see. Why you'd want to spend eternity with him, even if he _was_ your father, I don't know.

And we all thought that, on some level, even if we didn't want to admit. And they can't lie about it now. It was _because_ we thought that ... that we thought you'd stay. We didn't even think you'd consider leaving. At all. We just thought you'd talk things through with your old man, cry and hug, and that'd be it. You'd come back to us, fighting down pain and smiling like you always do. We'd have helped you through it – because that's what friends are for, right? We were all so prepared to be there for you if you came back shaking and sobbing. That's what we're here for.

Apparently not. Look, I'm not gonna jump to conclusion, m'kay? You probably had your reasons. Geez, you had a _lot _of reasons. If you'd come back to us and told us you were going to leave ... I swear on my status as ex-Chosen, hell would have broken loose. Genis probably would have trapped you in a giant icicle to stop you. Or he and Colette would maybe cling to your legs. _Maybe._ I'd probably get you in a headlock, smack you up a little, and demand explanations. I was actually kinda looking forward to that. But ...

... Hey, that's probably why you didn't say anything. I can't blame you, I really can't. You're a kid of first instinct – and if you'd known deep down that this was the right thing to do, then your closest friends convincing you otherwise wouldn't have been the best thing. I'd have bet your head was still a little screwed up from our journey coming to a close, which might have been why you seemingly left without looking back. Would you have chosen your path differently if you'd just waited around?

... You wouldn't have had the time anyway. I doubt your old man would have waited for you. I don't think he even wanted you to come with him. Then again, I didn't think _you_ wanted to go either. Maybe the two of you had been planning this for a while? Or did you just jump on board at the last second? Just decide to leave us all behind and spend eternity with your 'father'?

He's a jerk. Dragging you around, making you fight him, and then putting you on the spot with a split second choice – "friends or family?"

Blood is thicker than water.

I _hate_ that phrase.

We were your family. You didn't need Kratos. You never needed him. You had us! We would have been your family! Hell, _I_ would have been your father! There'd be some dodgy age thing going on there, but you've got that with him too! We'd all just be a perfectly screwed up family, and we'd have loved it.

... Me and my biased ways of thinking. I just wouldn't be the great Zelos without them.

Even though I think Kratos was a giant failure, that's not necessarily how you saw him. Or anyone else for that matter. I remember the look on your face when you first talked about how he betrayed you when I first met you. You were so angry, so irritated. But it didn't take someone as smart as Genis to see that you adored that man before all the confusing crap started happening. Raine told me about how you always talked to him, let him train you, and how you even stayed up just to chat with him when he was doing night watch. _That_ was when he was your father. What is he now?

You guys were so awkward around eachother. How, in the false goddess's name, did you wind up choosing to spend eternity together? Were we not good enough?

Screw Kratos – you're the jerk. When we finally came looking for you only to find Noishe sitting beside the eternal sword ... we were all just so silent for the longest time. After about ten minutes, Colette started crying. I've never seen her cry like that. She just collapsed beside the sword, face buried into her hands. Genis wasn't far behind. I bet you could hear him screaming your name – I _hope_ you heard it, and I hope it hurt. I hope you heard Colette sobbing for you. I hope you heard Raine and Sheena, praying and hoping and just _willing_ you to come back. I hope you hear what I'm telling you, because you deserve everything little prickle of pain in your heart for what you've put them through.

What you've put _us_ through.

... Okay, my bad. I apologise. You're not a jerk. You're just some confused little kid. I couldn't really expect more out of you, could I? If my mother just popped up out of nowhere and asked if we could start fresh, I'd take her hand in a heartbeat.

I thought you were stronger than that. Smarter than that. Is that my fault? Is it because I expected so much more out of you that the pain is steadily increasing instead of diminishing?

Nah. Your fault. Definitely your fault. If I blame myself, it hurts more. Seeing as you're childish enough not to _care_ what your friends think, I can blame you all I like.

... Now if you were here, you'd slap me into next week and s'more. It's strange ... what I'd give for you to come back and punch me square in the nose.

We needed you to put us in our places. To kick us into shape. That's why we need you, and probably why we love you too. Because we can depend on you. Well ... we _could_ depend on you. Now you're gone, we're just confused, hurt, and can't stop thinking about you and your reasons.

Stupid you and your stupid reasons and your stupid _hair_ and your stupid red outfit and your stupid smile and you're stupid stupid _stupid_.

I suppose, no matter how much we think of it, it mainly boils down to the simplest things that we all know, and that we don't want to admit, therefore we search for new reasons, new excuses, because you can't tell us yourself.

You loved Kratos. Kratos loved you. You wanted eachother to be happy. That's nice and sweet and dandy, but it went deeper than that. Kratos is alone in this world. Yuan has moved on from Martel, Mithos, Cruxis, everyone. He's rebuilding. Rebuilding his life this world, everything. Mithos is dead. Martel is dead. Anna is dead. You ... you're alive. You're the last thing he has.

I don't think he'd pressure you into going with him. He's not that kinda guy. It must have ultimately been your own choice. Like I said before ... you're not the brightest crayon in the box, but if you know in your heart that something is right, you're probably going to stick with it.

... It's simple, when you think about it.

You've saved Colette and me from our fates as Chosen. You've brought about the kickstart to an age where half-elves aren't looked down on for Genis and Raine. You've given Sheena the courage to look past her past faults and stop running away, and to become the chief of Mizuho and lead them towards a better future. You've helped Presea and Regal move on, forgive and forget, and carry on with their lives. You've singlehandedly sorted our lives out for us.

Was being with Kratos your way of finally getting around to sorting your _own_ life out?

Who the hell knows.

I don't want to even try to make you out to be the good guy in this situation. If you were, it wouldn't be _hurting_ so badly.

Everyone's hurting. I'm hurting the worst, because I must be the only one who hasn't _forgiven_ you yet.

Colette forgives you. She said that you wouldn't have done such a thing if you didn't know that it was what you and Kratos both truly wanted. And if you were happy on the giant purple planet, then so was she.

Genis forgives you. He's angry and broken, but he forgives you. He said that you devoted your life to making him feel equal to everyone else, and to top it off, you practically changed the world so _he_ could be happy. So _all_ half-elves could be happy. And if he's living in the world that you envisioned, the world you wanted him to be happy in ... then that's okay with him.

Raine forgives you. She says that all students must leave their teachers one day, and that she simply had nothing more that she could possibly teach you. She is ... _far _too proud of you to try to teach you anything else, and alter you in the slightest. When she realised that you were the one who had begun teaching her about life, that's probably when she finally let go of you.

Sheena forgives you. You've given her the strength to restore hope to Mizuho, and to change their ways completely to become a better village, and you ... well, you just utterly changed her perspective on herself. Without you, she never would have had the courage to make all those pacts, and what would have happened then? We'd still be at square one. We were doing it to progress, but you were doing it for her. To make her a stronger person. To show her that we have to learn from our mistakes, not wallow in pity over them.

Presea forgives you. You helped her come to terms with the loss of her sister – you even helped her forgive the very man that killed her. You taught her, that even though she's lost her time, she still has _enough_ time to move on, create a new life, and leave the painful memories behind. It doesn't matter about the time you've lost – it's the time you've spent making up for it.

Regal forgives you. _Hell_ does he forgive you. He's always been like the father of the group ... he probably understood your situation with Kratos, if only a little. Sure, he doesn't have firsthand experience of a four-thousand year old dad, the only and miraculously-alive-in-this-age _child_ of a Kharlan war hero who, by logic, shouldn't exist at all. He doesn't understand what it means to be betrayed over and over by someone you then realise is your _father_, to have to hide everything from your son, and ... well, pretty much everything. _But_. He knows what it feels like to kill the one you love, to utterly _need_ someone. He doesn't blame you.

Y'know what? Even Dirk forgives you. He and Kratos are kinda similar. To have a son ... but to ultimately not be able to _have_ a son. Dirk isn't your real father, but he's as good as. Kratos is your real father, yet he couldn't say or do anything. Dirk says he would have given absolutely _anything_ for Lloyd to be his real son ... so he understood what Kratos was feeling.

Me ... well, I just wish I could forgive you. It's just ... so much easier to blame you instead of blaming myself. I'm weak. Too weak to even forgive you for something that _I_ would have done if I were in your shoes.

Because once again, it's all about me. _I_ want you back. _I_ need you here. _I_ need you to be my family – my little brother – and help me move on with my life. We all need you here to help us move on.

Is that why you left? Because we were all so dependent on you? Is this your way of giving us the final shove to leave everything behind and move on?

I don't care. I need you back.

_Need_.

Yes, the great almighty Chosen Zelos _needs_ a stupid little idealist. But that's why you left, isn't it? Because you don't want me to _need_ you. You want me to be my own person. To not rely on your constant guidance. That's what you wanted from all of us.

I'm sure as hell not giving you the satisfaction. Not until you get your skinny ass back down here to Sylva'allawhatever.

Because I'm still not ready to let you go. I'm not ready to live a life without a dork by my side. I can try, but the thought of ultimately forgetting you ... well, it scares me. So I can't – I can't let you go.

Not yet.

Probably not ever.

And it just hurts me so much that I can't do this final thing for you, no matter how much I want to.


End file.
